Brace Yourself. It's an Update About You-Know-What.

We’re two months in. In fact, we’re a few days past two months. It may not seem like much but trust me, when you can’t eat CARAMEL or CEREAL or BAGELS or PIZZA CRUST or SANDWICHES - unless it’s pb&h on soft mushy worthless bread, or TORTILLA CHIPS (ok I suck it up here and chew on the left side of my mouth)...every freakin’ day counts.

I have been on top of my dentist (figuratively, trust me) about keeping this orthodontic process moving. Last month, when the six-week period was just a little too long, I called and conveniently “was out of town on my scheduled appointment date and could we move it a week earlier kay thanks you’re a doll.” The other day I went in two whole weeks early because my teeth have been moving quite a bit, and I just wanted to have him take a look. Score. Another adjustment. Another step closer to tortilla chips and a bucket of caramel. Together. Bring it. With some sourdough.

When the dentist mentions he could possibly use a thicker wire to speed the movement up, but that it’d really make my life miserable, I give him a look that could get me thrown in a psych ward in any other situation. Bring the pain! Do it! Yes, thicker wire! I love Aleve! I love applesauce and yogurt and oatmeal!! I’m pretty sure I have the crazy eye at this point, I may accidentally cackle with joy, and my knuckles are white and clenching the chair. It’s at this point the nice little dental hygienist walks slowly out of the room.

People want to set me up with guys. People want to offer me Jelly Bellys. Neither of these items can I have right now – and it’s fine to take a break from both, but I’m warning you – four months (or less?????) from now – stand back, candy aisle! I'm coming for you. Dating scene, eh. I have more important urges. Like digging into a tomato mozza basil prosciutto and pepper sandwich on the world’s hardest loaf of bread. Kinky. I know.

And just the other day, I finally realized what having these braces on is like - I mean, besides annoying and torturous: Having a nice rack. And wearing a skanky halter top. Seriously, hear me out. I’ll be talking to someone, and I’ll see their eyes wander down. But not THAT far down. Just down a little. Then back up. Then down again. Um, hey...Hello. Hi. Yea...uh. My eyes are up here! Oh, what’s that? There’s a green thing stuck in there? Can you get it out? Kthanks.

So yea. The first two months of 2010 have rocked. By the end of this third month, I’ll be half-way through braces, have run a half marathon at uber-fast speed, run a full marathon, been on the news in a banana costume, kept a blog going 90 whole days, and rocked my pegasus sweatshirt. Plus a whole. Lot. More. What doesn’t kill you with embarrassment, malnutrition or sheer physical pain only makes you stronger.