I know I started the Bachelor season on a blogging high, ready to rip on every slut who faux-tripped and then made a feeble attempt to feel Jake's abs. Alas, this season, the plane never really left the runway (keeping in the theme of really bad pilot puns). It was like we taxied for hours on the ground, fell asleep for a bit, drooled on ourselves, Vienna called Jake her boyfriend, we watched as Captain Jake sent the few normal, attractive girls home and cried more than a stressed-out, broken-hearted flight attendant on her period ever should, and suddenly, he was proposing to a horse with a lazy eye and a fake, tangled mane who was (fittingly) named after a sausage.
What? You didn't think I was this mean?
But. What really happened was that Jake had us fooled the entire time. The person we all thought he was - a good Texas Christian from Denton with more values than everyone in the GOP combined - was actually there to find himself a 23 year old (questionable!) piece. Boo. Ya. Take that, perfect image! He's all, "I'll show America and those Southwest flight attendants I'm more of a bad-ass than Wes!"
I guess while we were all staring at Vienna's lazy eye, the season ended. And now, as if to punish us for - What? Hoping the bachelor didn't pick the STD queen? Jake will continue his run on bad network TV and we'll get to watch Vienna and her eye following him the entire time.
ABC, I will not accept this rose. I'm out.
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