Walking Down the Aisle. Of Appliances.

I want a food processor. And a panini press. And of course, a KitchenAid mixer. So what this means is, I'm going to have to get married.

LOLZ!!!

Anyways, I seem to acquire a new kitchen toy (or as real cooks call them, utensils, dishes and appliances) once a year, which I think is relatively low for most people who like to cook. Last year I broke down and bought a dutch oven in bright red. I love it, but I've used it twice. In fact, I only bought it so I could make a Guinness and Beef Stew recipe which, after five hours of slaving away over a stove and an oven, was a let down. Plus my house smelled like burnt rosemary for two weeks, and my oven still smells that way to this day when set to anything over 400 degrees.

Every time I find a recipe I really want to make it always requires blending ingredients in a food processor (usually what I want to make involves pesto). But since I'm unwilling to spend $200 on a kitchen appliance that's for real cooks, housewives who spend the day making five-course meals, and wedding registries, I haven't bought one. I've tried to use my blender (also old and ghetto having been dropped in the driveway of my old apartment, toted to Texas, and still used despite its cracked pitcher) but let's be honest, that sucker does not shred a two-pound block of cheese like the dreamy food processor can. I'm surprised it still gets through ice cubes without smoking and sparks.

These things haven't changed much at all in the past 30 years. The one my parents have (from their wedding registry, of course) is still going, the replacement parts still fit it, and it looks almost identical to the same basic model made today. In fact, there's a very good chance it is the same model number. My problem has always been the high price tag for a fully-equipped, top-of-the-line food processor with all the blades to chop, shred, coarsely shred, finely shred, sort of shred, totally fucking shred, etc. included. You know, because I'm an A-mazing chef with an E-normous kitchen. But doing a little research shows that now, you can get a food processor with various shredding capabilities for under $30. Thank you, Internet.

I've done a little research and have pulled some of the latest and greatest and even refurbished (please tell me someone else's cheese and walnut mixture isn't on the blade still). Let's have a look:

The refurbished $23 option, via Overstock.com



-Appliance has two speeds for precision chopping
-Kitchen accessory has a patented reversible blade that chops or grinds






I'm sorry, but "two speeds for precision chopping." There's nothing precise about 'Fine' vs. 'Coarse.'

Then there's the $69 option, also via Overstock.com



-Enhance your kitchen decor with a three-cup food processor
-Food processor features a chute attachment for continuous slicing or shredding
-Appliance features a 3-cup work bowl with feed tube



Now, this one seems doable. Well, more like affordable, for what I'm going to be making - which is not very much. And let's not forget that it will totally enhance my kitchen decor. Seriously who writes this - wait, nevermind.

And then there's a third option. I'm liking this one.

At $156 (that's the Overstock.com price) and with both "Pro" and "Custom" in its name is the Cuisinart DLC-8S Pro Custom 11 Food Processor




-Salad, salsa and more will be easy to make
-Kitchen appliance for serious cooks who demand a powerful yet versatile machine
-Sell out risk at this price Very High!




And finally, just for shits and giggles, there's Big Papa for $250

Big Papa is so slick he doesn't need his product shot styled with food. No, his sleek silver says it all. And check out how many bullet points are on his resume.












• 2 Food Processors in 1!
• 12-cup Large Bowl and 4-cup Small Bowl
• Exclusive Patent-Pending SealTight™ Advantage System
• Easy On/Off Locking System with Push-Button Release
• Stainless Steel Adjustable Slicing Disc (1 to 6mm)
• Stainless Steel Reversible Shredding Disc (fine/medium)
• Large and Small Stainless Steel Chopping/Mixing Blades
• Dough Blade
• Cuisinart® Supreme® Wide-Mouth Feedtube and Cover
• Electronic Touchpad Controls On/Off/Pulse w/ LED lights
• 1000-Watt Peak Power Motor
• Spatula
• How-to DVD & Recipe/Instruction Book
• All removable parts are dishwasher safe
• 10-Year Motor Warranty, 3-Year Limited Warranty
• Available in Die-Cast, White and Black

That's the dream food processor. Look at all the fun parts! (That's what she said?) It's pricey, but since my parents' is still going after 30+ years and just a couple parts replacements, this food processor may actually be around to see me - wait for it - get married.

Or I can just go for this option. Apparently I'll love what it does for nuts.